Three conversations

It’s been a busy week.  First, Jurgen, who loves politics, called me.

“So Newt Gingrich is the current ‘anti-Romney’.   It almost sounds like the anti-Christ, the beast risen from the troubled sea to disturb the peace of the establishment.”

“How do you expect a good Jewish boy like me to understand a reference to the Book of Revelation?”

“Go on.  We saw the movie, The Omen together and it was all explained there.  Anyhow the main point is that I got the literature from Gingrich and now he is excoriating Romney because he is too liberal and moderate.   That’s when I laughed because I had never heard those adjectives used pejoratively.

“Neither have I”

“Get used to it.  Now Romney will have to prove he is only a little moderate but mostly he is extreme and then if he gets the nomination, he’ll have to turn around and say he meant he was mostly moderate and only a little extreme.”

“Hey that’s Obama’s line.”

“I thought it was the line of every leader in Canada.”

“What did you think of the Liberal Convention?”

“I thought it showed that the Liberals are still the Liberals.  You would have loved Bob Rae’s description of the party.  It sounded like he was quoting God in Exodus 3:14”

“How?”

“When Moses asks who he should say sent him, God says, I am who I am.  When Bob Rae described his party he said, ‘We are who we are.’  Rae is trying to take on the role of Moses by telling us, ‘I speak on behalf of We are who we are’.”

“But will he able to lead the people out of the wilderness?”

“For his sake, I hope it doesn’t take forty years!”

I also had a brief chat with Jack and told him at some point, “Of course, Angela Jolie looked good on the red carpet.  That goes without saying.”

This was a mistake.  “What do you mean it goes without saying?  If it goes without saying why did you say it?”

“Don’t tell me you’re starting again.  It’s just an expression.”

“Do you write articles?”

“Yes.”

“Do you ever write, ‘that goes without writing’?”

“No, but…”

“I rest my case.”

************************************************************************

Linda was the last to call.  She works in the public service.

“They asked me to come work in a unit before they knew what their mandate was exactly because it was new and they were developing it.  I liked the manager so I went.”

“Sounds good.”

 

“Yeah but then they decided to review everybody’s mandate to look for cuts, so we weren’t allowed to do anything.”

“What did you do?”

 

“Went to other units and asked what they needed help with.  I was the busiest one there!  Oh and then they moved my manager and put in someone temporarily.”

“Well at least you kept busy.”

 

“You better believe it.  The temporary guy wanted to prove he knew what he was doing and told us we would invent our mandate.”

“How long did that last?”

 

“About 15 minutes?  Hah!  Actually a little longer but then they merged us with a larger corporate unit and we had to wait to find out what the new mandate was.”

“And now?”

 

“Now I have to go around doing reports on our operations except the operational people know what they are doing better than I do.”

“Don’t be discouraged.  The operational people have no time, so you are doing it for them.  You are the buffer between them and the higher ups.”

 

“Now I understand.  My job is to make sure I don’t get squished!”

 

Guidelines for Public Servants on Initiative, Creativity and Risk Taking

Background:

Recently, client satisfaction surveys carried out by several government departments have identified an issue that Treasury Board has determined needs to be addressed.

Lack of initiative, creativity and risk taking have been identified in these surveys as a source of dissatisfaction by members of the public receiving services from public servants (survey results available from Treasury Board on request).

The Personnel Policy Section of Treasury Board (TB) has therefore issued the following guidelines.

Guidelines:

1. Initiative, creativity and risk taking are valuable qualities sought after in job competitions and as such they should be displayed by candidates both before and after they are staffed into a position.  Employees and Supervisors are reminded that these qualities should be evaluated as part of the annual appraisal of every individual in regard to the carrying out of the duties of the position they occupy (See new TB standard annual appraisal form 1341).
2. Employees are encouraged to make use of social media in communicating with the public and promoting awareness and understanding of the programs they are responsible for (see TB special issue of 25 point guideline for use of Social Media).  Successful social media initiatives will be recognized in annual appraisals.  Employees are reminded that all such initiatives must have the approval of their supervisors and their Departmental Division of Communications.  Note: Unapproved actions or those which cause embarrassment to the government are subject to sanction.
3. Employees are encouraged to think outside the box, to come up with actions and solutions that have never been tried before.  Where successful, such measures will be highly rated in annual appraisals.  It is recommended that such measures be approved by the supervisor before being implemented.  A special request for taking “outside the box” initiatives has been prepared (see TB form 1342) and should be filled out with the requisite approvals before actions are taken.  Note: Unapproved actions are subject to disciplinary action.  Any measures which result in embarrassment to the government are grounds for penalty or dismissal.
4. Employees are encouraged to respond sympathetically to members of the public who fall outside the guidelines because of misunderstandings about deadlines or small discrepancies with minimum requirements.   All such actions should be reported to the supervisor at the end of the week.  Note:  No action is permitted which give the impression of favoritism or which derogate from the strict application of rules, regulations and laws.  Any employee who takes such forbidden actions, or whose actions cause embarrassment to the government, is subject to sanction or dismissal.
5. Studies have shown that creativity is increased when individuals stop working on specific problems and let themselves get in touch with their unconscious, either through meditation, reflection or dreaming.  Employees are encouraged to take brief work breaks, preferably over the lunch hour or when taking other breaks during the day.  For this purpose, walks in the park, simple silence, or power napping at the desk is encouraged.  Permission for such actions must be obtained from the supervisor.   Note:  Any such actions undertaken without permission are subject to sanction.  A weekly report on how such actions improved creativity must be submitted to the supervisor who will review it and forward it to Treasury Board (see TB reporting form 1343).

These guidelines will enter into effect in 6 months after the Personnel Policy Division has provided training sessions to the Personnel managers in every department.   For information on the scheduling of training sessions in your department, contact your Departmental Personnel Division.

For all other questions, feel free to check our website or to use our automated phone service at 613-827-8537 or 613-TBRULES.

Rubin Friedman

Head of Tongue in Cheek Services

How to master the laws of probability

I have a friend who considers himself to be quite knowledgeable about science and its practical implications.  My friend is not named Jack although I could call him that and I am sure Jack himself will have no objections but will rather relish the chance to see his name in print. (Note from Jack:  All publicity is good publicity!) So the other day my friend sends me a note to tell me that everything that occurs in the universe happens at random and for every happening there is either a higher or lower probability of occurrence.

As he points out, the devil of it is that even things of low probability sometimes happen and some things of extremely high probability never do.  So how do actually know?

For example, he notes that the chances of his being born to his parents were extremely low as his father was shipped off to war immediately after the wedding and was promptly killed by the enemy so the chances looked slim.  As luck and random chance would have it his mother was nevertheless pregnant and he arrived into the world completely uncertain as to what would transpire.

This is chancy enough but lately, with the news that scientists seemed again to have created neutrinos that travel slightly faster than the speed of light, he has again begun to feel quite fragile.

After all the probability of finding a neutrino that traveled that fast was next to zero just a little while ago.  Yet it seems to have been found.  Besides the implication that we have to rethink even what Einstein came up with, there is also the nagging little fact that something so improbable has actually occurred.

My friend once wrote to me a while ago that the fact that his identity was born into his body was completely by random chance.  There was something irksome about the statement and I wrote back to him that our selves are not interchangeable.   His identity is his and if it were born into a different body, it would be a different identity.  I noted that his fingers wouldn’t by chance suddenly appear on my hand.  And if they did they would be my fingers.

But now that he has gotten me thinking along these lines, I am also starting to feel concerned.   Since low probability events can occur, isn’t it possible (not very probable, just possible) that his fingers might indeed someday appear on my hand?  Would I or anyone else notice?

I have taken to checking in the mirror every morning to make sure my face is still mine and that my head is still on my shoulders.  Now I know the probability  is quite low that anyone else’s reflection would greet me but can I totally exclude that possibility?

I have this sudden fear of walking down the street and suddenly being aware of having different body parts and this might happen just because…

By that I mean that the universe can often seem perverse and it can unfold as if to mess you up on purpose.   If something is not very probable, that is precisely the thing that will occur.  On purpose.

So if you see me walking down the street avoiding cracks you’ll know I am trying to avoid giving the universe any excuse for perversity.

My mother used to spit three times to ward off evil but I think it was just a scientific device to prevent perverse low probability events from happening because if you don’t take precautionary measures…well we all know Murphy’s Law.

If you ever feel someone else’s head suddenly appearing on your shoulders, just make sure to turn around three times and spit in the four basic directions.   I do this and I haven’t changed heads, fingers or selves in years.

An unspoken agreement

Jack looks at me and says: “I thought we had an unspoken agreement never to speak of that.”

ME: Huh?  An unspoken agreement never to speak about what?

JACK: What you just spoke of.  What were you just speaking of?

ME: When?

JACK: Just now.

ME: I was asking you what we had an unspoken agreement about.

JACK: No, no.  Before that.

ME: I don’t remember.

JACK: How can you not remember?

ME: I don’t know.  I guess I didn’t think it was that important so I didn’t pay much attention.

JACK:  You’re not serious!  Are you telling me you don’t pay attention to what you say?

ME:  Well, I am pretty laid back, not like you, always on edge.  So yes, sometimes I am just in the moment answering and talking about what ever we were talking about and not really retaining it for the future, just living for the now.  Can’t hold a grudge if you don’t remember.

JACK:  Oh I can’t stand that!  That’s what’s the matter with our society: no respect for the past, no memory of anything.

ME:  Hey wait a minute!  You know that’s how I live and that it’s a fundamental part of me.  We agreed not to argue about it.

JACK:  We did?  I don’t remember. 

ME:  Ah hah!

JACK: Ah hah what? 

ME:  You didn’t remember just like I didn’t remember.

JACK:  So what?  And anyway, if you are ah hahing me, it’s like holding a grudge.

ME:  Hold on.  You started this by saying we had an unspoken agreement not to speak of something and I couldn’t remember it.

JACK:  Well I don’t want to talk about it.

ME:  How will I know what I am not supposed to talk about if you don’t tell me?! Besides how did you know we had an unspoken agreement?

JACK:  I knew we had an unspoken agreement never to speak of it because we never spoke of it.  Why would we never speak of it unless we had an unspoken agreement not to do it?

ME:  That makes no sense.  If it was unspoken, that means I never agreed to anything.  There are a million things we haven’t spoken of yet but we never agreed not to speak of them.  I’ve never spoken to you about … Give me a second, I’m sure there’s something.   Ok, we’ve never spoken about my great grandfather.

JACK:  What can you tell me about your great grandfather?

ME:  Nothing.  Nobody ever told me anything about him either.

JACK:  Was that on your father’s or you mother’s side?  And on their mothers’ or fathers’ sides?

ME:  Actually, I don’t know anything about any of them.

JACK: So how could you speak of them anyway?  That’s ridiculous.  You always come up with ridiculous examples.

ME:  I could have told you that no one had ever told me about my great grandfathers and now I have.

JACK:  You know there’s something fishy about your argument.

ME: What?

JACK:  Well if you always live in the moment and you don’t remember what you said, how can you be sure what you’ve never talked about with me?

ME:  Hmm, let me work on that.   But I definitely don’t remember what I said that you think we had an unspoken agreement never to speak about.

JACK:  Actually, now I don’t remember either but if you agree, we’ll never speak of this again.

ME:  I’m not going to say I agree but if I never talk of this whole incident again you will know we have an unspoken agreement never to speak of it.

JACK:  Just a moment!  That’s exactly what you said the last time!

ME:  I did?  Whatever it was, can we agree just to forget it?

JACK:  Agreed.  I always liked spoken agreements better anyway.

I’ve been thinking

“Ya know,” says Jack to me the other day, “Oi’ve been t’inkin.”

 

“So that’s twice this week.  And why speak to me as if you were from Newfoundland?”

 

“OK, laugh at my expense.  The accent is just to get your attention for something important and profound.”

 

“And what is that pray tell?”

 

“First, you sound too stuffy.  Second, I’ve been thinking about how everything in our world is made up of relationships that are mutual and reciprocal.”

 

“Huh?  I find you hard to follow when you use big words.”

 

“You know what I mean.  Yin and Yang.  Tit for tat – which is just a short form way of saying this for that.  You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.  I meant metaphorically so you can stop sticking your back into my chest.”

 

“I’m not that into back scratching anyway.  Give me another example.”

 

“You’re always trying to one up me.  I say, ‘Hi how are you?’  Then you say, ‘How’s it hangin’?’

 

“But then the next time you say, ‘What’s shakin’?’  So I have to ask ‘What’s goin’ down?’”

 

“Exactly.  That’s just us carrying on the reciprocity.”

 

“I totally get you.”

 

“Are you picking up what I’m laying down?”

 

“I’m completely smelling what you’re stepping in.”

 

“Oh now you’ve gone too far…”

 

“I’ve crossed the line?”

 

“You’ve left town and reached Tuscon!”

 

“I’m feeling your pain.”

 

“You’re so far away, it must be telempathy.”

 

“Ok but this isn’t so deep.”

 

“I’m working my way in.  What if we applied this way of thinking to everything?  What if we looked at everything from the point of view of reciprocity?  If it was a fundamental aspect of the universe?  You know they already have evidence that if you change the trait of one particle created in a collision, it’s counterpart traveling in the other direction and possibly light years away will instantaneously change in the same way.”

 

“So?”

 

“So I was watering the lawn the other day and I was thinking that the water and the lawn had a relationship.  I could just as easily think of myself of having water and deciding what to do with it so I lawned the water.”

 

“You lawned the water.  Did you also lawn the mower?”

 

“Actually, I did that first.  After I lawned the water, I car – ed  the water.”

 

“Does that mean you washed the car?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Brilliant.  You’ve invented a way of talking without verbs.”

 

“Ingenious eh?  I laundried the water today and then I clothes-ed the drier.”

 

“Uh huh.  And what are we doing right now?”

 

“Oh that’s a hard one – wait!  I have it!  Talk is us-ing or maybe I have to say we-ing.”

 

“Confusion is me-ing, I think.”

 

“Oh come off it!  This is revolutionary.  Someone will write a book about the moment I was lawning my water in the same way we discuss how the apple fell from the tree onto Newton’s head.”

 

“Are you sure it fell on his head?  Was his head appled or was it something else?”

 

“Besides Newton at the time, who cares what body part was involved?  Really!  It’s the principle that’s important!”

 

“Well I hope you can work out all the kinks.  For now, a walk and home is me-ing.  I have to lawn my water to nematode it.  I hope you travel in the opposite direction.”

 

“As we’re both leaving this little encounter at the same time I’d ask you not to change too many of your traits on the way.  I like the way I am now.”

 

“Don’t worry.  We didn’t start out the same anyway.  Happy nouning!  See you soon.”

“Dig you later.”

Am I responsible for this article?

Is it possible to start typing without knowing how to finish the sentence that you started and to make up your mind that you have reached the end of the sentence only when you feel the desire to punctuate it with a period or a question mark?  In fact, I just did just that.    It felt a little like starting to walk without being sure of the destination, only having in mind that, eventually, I would get somewhere other than where I was, a place marked by different foliage and perhaps a cooler breeze refreshing my sunburnt cheeks.

This of course raises the question of whether we have free will or not.  For instance could I just choose to randomly utter words without them giving? order any  That seemed odd and in spell check, no doubt the automatic function will insert a period or some other punctuation.   Besides, you probably wouldn’t be able to make out what I was saying and neither, on rereading what I just wrote, would I.

Here’s the conundrum.   Without a word order and proper grammar, I wouldn’t myself know what I was saying.  So when I start writing, since I myself am not yet sure of exactly what I am going to say, who is it that is running the show?  Who is organizing these muscle movements in my mouth and throat and coordinating them with my facial expressions without my conscious control?

I remember choosing to stay in bed a little longer this morning and I remember choosing to go along Carling rather than the Queensway when driving downtown but I remember not at all making any choice every time I had to utter or write words.  All I can remember about conversations is my general intent to inform, to listen, to amuse, to learn, but nothing about the myriad little decisions I would have had to make about whether to use definite or indefinite articles!

These things are important because if it isn’t me then how can I be responsible for uttering falsehoods or lashan hara?  And if this is true about talking and writing, is it not also true about everything I do?  For that matter doesn’t this apply to everybody?  Once the rules have been set in place, don’t the arbiters of those rules take over and leave very little to each of us to add to the unfolding of the universe?

Think of what this means around Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur and how we atone for what we have done.   What if it wasn’t exactly us that was doing it?

We have become aware of how our manipulation of electrons on the internet can become a permanent record.   There are still references to me on the sites of extremists from when I was a representative of Bnai Brith Canada as well as comments I made in discussion groups 15 years ago!  I assume that our creator has access to the latest in technology so he would no doubt have a permanent record of everything I have done or said since I was born.  Imagine a divine presence on you-tube where videos of you doing anything and everything would be available 24-7.

Even Jon Stewart would have to start being concerned.  Forget Wiki-leaks!  What about Divinerecords.com?

There are times when I think the world would be better if everyone had as much access to the complete record as the Supreme Judge.

Then I go to shul during the high holidays and feel thankful I get the chance to make a new start every year without, like Bill Clinton, involving everybody else.  It is better to let a higher power decide what the meaning of “is” is and what exactly I intended to say when I started writing.

A fable

I understand that humans were once born with skin that reflected on the outside what they were feeling.  Newborns and infants had skin that glowed different colours or gave off musical vibrations of various pitches and strength, depending on their moods.  It was possible to determine what exactly a child wanted as soon as it started to cry.  In childhood, these changes in skin resulted in moving pictures that would occasionally flash across the face or torso.  Great works of art were developed from copying or portraying these images and sounds, which started to diminish as children in cities learned to read but remained vigorous in rural and tribal areas were reading was unknown.

Once a city child learned how to read, their most intimate thoughts would be translated into written text and mixed with the other forms of representation of emotion. This was understood to be a way the Creator had indicated to humans his desire for them to live together in complete truth, where the good of the whole community came before the desire for individual privacy.  It became impossible for people to lie except if they were schizophrenic or psychopathic and could consciously manipulate their own moods.  The fear of such people was great and they were considered to be the enemies of humanity.  Many were locked away or treated with drugs, as dangers to society.

At some point, however, a few teenagers started to wear wore clothes that covered them from head to foot although it was frowned upon and they were considered to be rebels.   How could one tell what they were really thinking?  A significant minority started to imitate this style and many legal battles were fought over whether such practices should be permitted.  Unfortunately, lawyers representing this group did not themselves adopt the dress and it was easy to tell that they did not agree with their own clients.

In a further development, youngsters and adults who rejected their parents and authority totally would acquire drastic blank tattoos so that no images could appear.  Under constant suspicion of not telling the truth, they and their fully clothed counterparts were more often stopped by police and arrested.  Eventually, however, it was noted that individuals with blank tattoos often seemed more contented and spontaneous.  They became enormously successful entertainers and charismatic leaders.  One such youth developed a global following and preached a kind of unbridled individualism and absolute right to privacy, a movement that swept the planet and brushed aside other belief systems once the youth was killed by the authorities.

In fear, the government commissioned scientists who worked feverishly until they learned how to alter the human genome so that images did not appear.  A serum was prepared for everyone.

After a number of years, there grew up a kind of malaise that what had been gained had come at a great cost.  There was less social peace and it became harder to ensure that the norms could be passed on to the next generation.  One had no idea what one’s children were thinking or feeling.   Husbands and wives struggled to communicate with words but found it daunting to overcome the basic mistrust coming from the inability to be sure of how words were meant, what was their intent, what feelings and thoughts lay behind them.

A story arose that once humans had lived in a paradise of perfect obedience and mutual comprehension.  They fell from grace when they were tempted to eat the fruit from the tree of secrecy, a fruit with sweet flesh that held within it the hidden poison of privacy.

We today are of course descended from those whose genetic abilities had been altered.  So I have been told and would I lie to you?

Why no one prays to the gods any more

From: LYNDA REID

To: Zeus
Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2011 7:18:39 PM
Subject: Headin’ South

We’re off to FL for a few days.  Visiting our son and going to a college football game, including our first ever tailgating party.
No hurricanes please.
LR

 

 

Dear Ms. Reid,

 

Zeus has received your prayer, dated September 7 and asked me to reply on his behalf.  As you know he is currently preoccupied with keeping the forces of chaos at bay.  I am pleased to inform you that he is fully committed to following a policy of peace with respect to the use of lightning and thunder during your visit but you might also wish to consider sacrificing a virgin of some kind.  Please note that we have also passed your request on to Poseidon, as hurricanes originate in his domain.

 

Thank you for drawing our attention to this crucial matter.

 

Sincerely,

 

Zeus’s deputy minister

 

cc.  Poseidon

 

Dear Ms. Reid,

 

I am in receipt of your request for no hurricanes during your visit to Florida and would be pleased to help you but, as you are aware, I require the assistance and support of other departments, specifically of Aeolus, master of the winds.  This requires much more coordination than Zeus, my brother, fully realized and so I have passed your request on to Aeolus to ensure that the maximum effort is extended on your behalf.  A young female virgin sacrifice would be helpful.  Do you know anyone named Andromache?

 

I am sure you appreciate the time and work all of this requires and hope you will be patient as you await the final result of our deliberations, which should be carried through before your visit begins.

 

Please accept, Ms. Reid, this expression of my respect,

 

Poseidon, god of the sea

 

cc. Zeus

Aeolus

 

Dr. Ms. Reid,

 

I have just received a missive from my one time father, Poseidon, god of the sea, passing on your request for no hurricanes.   With due respect, I must note that I have no authority to carry out such requests without proper consultation with all the forces of nature involved, including nymphs and other divine creatures.  To that end I am proposing that we form a joint task force with representatives of Zeus, Poseidon and the other creatures as well of my own department to ensure that your request is given prompt attention.  As this process is likely to take some time, I am not sure we will be able to provide you with a final answer before you leave but I am pleased to report that the result of our joint cooperation will be made clear to you before you arrive home from your journey.  A sacrifice of some burnt extra virgin olive oil from Greece will suffice.

 

I am sure you understand the complexities of managing winds everywhere in the world and assuring appropriate weather for everyone and you can be confident that we are indeed doing our very best.

 

Believing that the news we will provide you will be of the kind you want to hear, I remain a loyal servant to the gods and to you,

 

Your servant,

 

Aeolus

 

cc. Zeus

Poseidon

Various Nymphs and supernatural beings

A regular guy

So I am sitting in the coffee shop, talking non-chalantly with my acquaintance, who I have not seen for several years, when he says to me that he is just a regular guy.  And you know how sometimes you can be talking to some one but not really notice them when all of a sudden they say something that strikes you and gets you to look at them in a new way.  And when he said that he was a regular guy I examined him more closely, both figuratively and literally.

The first thing I noticed was that he was indeed a regular figure, his head having all angles and sides equal, giving it the appearance of a cube.  And although that is by definition regular, I quickly realized it was not that usual.  His arms and legs were also radially symmetrical, giving him a very odd appearance, again quite regular.

“You were telling me what you did after university a little while ago.  What was it?” I inquired.

“I was in the regular forces,” he replied.

“Makes sense,” I thought.

As I looked down, I instantly noted his coffee.

“What size is that coffee?”  I ask.

“Regular,” he says.

“And how do you take your coffee?”  I pursue.

“Oh just regular,” he smiles.  “I’m just a …”

“Regular guy.”  I finish for him.

It comes to me then that when we were playing basketball together, he was one of the regulars and was very regular in his attendance at practice.  As a matter of fact he also came to class early, regularly.  As we leave Tim Horton’s the staff wave to him, all smiles and one says, “it’s nice to see you have become a regular here.”

I am now completely obsessed and suspicious.  I snoop into his life and find out from his wife that he has a regular job.  The rabbi tells me that he is a regular participant in Synagogue.

I start following him around in my car and discover that he keeps a regular schedule and is very regular in his habits.

As I stake him out waiting for him to come out of his office at the regular time, a policeman approaches me and knocks on the window.  When I roll it down, he asks me, “I hope there is nothing irregular going on?  You are parked in a no parking zone.”

I assure him it is a slight mistake and that I intended to move on.  As far as I can tell, there are no irregularities and no possibility of finding any.

But I am committed.  Surely there must be something.  I inquire after his bathroom habits and find that because he eats lots of fibre, he is quite regular.

I fall into a kind of depression, almost despair.  When he sees me standing on the corner across the street from Tim Horton’s he comes over to greet me with a big smile.

“Hey, life can’t be that bad.”

“Life is so predictable,” I say.  “How can you stand it?”

He looks shocked.  “But that is what makes it so pleasant!”

I stare back at him through haggard eyes, ringed in shadow.

“I don’t know how you do it.”  I mumble.

He shrugs slightly, grins and says brightly, “Oh I’m just a …”

“Regular guy,” I finish his sentence.  “Yeah I know.”

Then as if telling me a terrible secret, he bends closer and says, “the only irregular things I allow in my life are the occasional irregular verb.  But you have to use them to communicate in English.”

He says this with a slight frown but somehow to me it is reassuring.  I start to smile and he returns the gesture punching me in the arm.

He walks away and calls over his shoulder, “maybe we should see each other more regularly.”

I don’t answer but say to myself under my breath, “not a chance!”

Ten Short Legends

Ten Short Legends

It was well known in Chicago that Jake the Mosquito and his gang buzzed from bank heist to bank heist and acquired a fortune in cash before they were later captured by undercover cops in a sting operation.

Atlas, finding the strain on his back intolerable from carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, eventually retired and distributed the weight, unequally, to all of us.

Moses, for instance, carried on his back the responsibility for the Jewish people and its fate and the real reason he was unable to go into the promised land was that his guilt and regret were so heavy by the time he got to Moab, he could no longer lift his feet without direct heavenly assistance and it is rumoured that he was so spiritual by this time that without the weight of this world to hold him down, he would have floated away.

King Canute sat on the beach and gave an order to the tide not to come in, an order that succeeded only because he was a careful student of the periods of the moon, thus proving that in leadership, timing is everything.

The Roman writer Macrobius, wishing to instruct his son Eustacius, left for him, a collection of tales and moral lessons both large and tubular, yet with a slight spelling error, was accused of using microbial logic to blame the fall of Rome on an infection caused by Germans.

A learned philosopher convicted of murder, decided on the scheduled day of his execution to apply Zeno’s paradox by marching first half way to the scaffold, then half way again, and so on, with the hope of never reaching his goal, but was both surprised and disappointed when his feet proved too large to take infinitesimally small steps and he came close enough for the rope to reach around his neck.

About this nameless man the saying arose that, “he marched quickly toward his doom, taking very small steps.”

Although it is known that Samson got his strength from his hair, it has only lately been revealed that Delilah got her ability to charm and enthrall men through the length of her fingernails, a talent she acquired when she was dedicated to the goddess, and it was through her indifference and boredom, after absently trimming her nails in the balcony of the Philistine temple, that Samson regained enough hair and strength to bring down the whole edifice.

Ahab, King of Israel, after his final defeat by the Assyrians, accepted a mission from Yahweh to bring judgment on Nineveh and it’s great white walls and, changing his name to Jonah, set off on this errand, only to be swallowed by a whale on the way and to learn at the end that god is also merciful, a bitter pill for a defeated king, who sat under a shady palm and dozed in the heat of the day, dreaming he was a sea captain in search of a white whale to exact vengeance and it was only when he woke from a nightmare of death and defeat and saw the destroyed palm under which he had been sitting, that he understood the necessity of mercy to balance justice.

Some say Jesus and his disciples were followers of a Pharisaic path that considered that for Jews, God was the only legitimate monarch, one such group (the Zealots) using arms to achieve their goal and those around Jesus believing that god himself would bring about this result, so that this early division between Jews and Christians was ironically reversed because the Zealots were defeated and the lesson taken by the rabbis was to wait for the Messiah while the Christians waited long enough to see their religion  become the official form of worship in the Roman Empire and promptly set out to conquer the world.