Recently, client satisfaction surveys carried out by several government departments have identified an issue that Treasury Board has determined needs to be addressed.

Lack of initiative, creativity and risk taking have been identified in these surveys as a source of dissatisfaction by members of the public receiving services from public servants (survey results available from Treasury Board on request).

The Personnel Policy Section of Treasury Board (TB) has therefore issued the following guidelines.

Guidelines:

1. Initiative, creativity and risk taking are valuable qualities sought after in job competitions and as such they should be displayed by candidates both before and after they are staffed into a position.  Employees and Supervisors are reminded that these qualities should be evaluated as part of the annual appraisal of every individual in regard to the carrying out of the duties of the position they occupy (See new TB standard annual appraisal form 1341).
2. Employees are encouraged to make use of social media in communicating with the public and promoting awareness and understanding of the programs they are responsible for (see TB special issue of 25 point guideline for use of Social Media).  Successful social media initiatives will be recognized in annual appraisals.  Employees are reminded that all such initiatives must have the approval of their supervisors and their Departmental Division of Communications.  Note: Unapproved actions or those which cause embarrassment to the government are subject to sanction.
3. Employees are encouraged to think outside the box, to come up with actions and solutions that have never been tried before.  Where successful, such measures will be highly rated in annual appraisals.  It is recommended that such measures be approved by the supervisor before being implemented.  A special request for taking “outside the box” initiatives has been prepared (see TB form 1342) and should be filled out with the requisite approvals before actions are taken.  Note: Unapproved actions are subject to disciplinary action.  Any measures which result in embarrassment to the government are grounds for penalty or dismissal.
4. Employees are encouraged to respond sympathetically to members of the public who fall outside the guidelines because of misunderstandings about deadlines or small discrepancies with minimum requirements.   All such actions should be reported to the supervisor at the end of the week.  Note:  No action is permitted which give the impression of favoritism or which derogate from the strict application of rules, regulations and laws.  Any employee who takes such forbidden actions, or whose actions cause embarrassment to the government, is subject to sanction or dismissal.
5. Studies have shown that creativity is increased when individuals stop working on specific problems and let themselves get in touch with their unconscious, either through meditation, reflection or dreaming.  Employees are encouraged to take brief work breaks, preferably over the lunch hour or when taking other breaks during the day.  For this purpose, walks in the park, simple silence, or power napping at the desk is encouraged.  Permission for such actions must be obtained from the supervisor.   Note:  Any such actions undertaken without permission are subject to sanction.  A weekly report on how such actions improved creativity must be submitted to the supervisor who will review it and forward it to Treasury Board (see TB reporting form 1343).

These guidelines will enter into effect in 6 months after the Personnel Policy Division has provided training sessions to the Personnel managers in every department.   For information on the scheduling of training sessions in your department, contact your Departmental Personnel Division.

For all other questions, feel free to check our website or to use our automated phone service at 613-827-8537 or 613-TBRULES.

Rubin Friedman

Head of Tongue in Cheek Services

As he points out, the devil of it is that even things of low probability sometimes happen and some things of extremely high probability never do.  So how do actually know?

For example, he notes that the chances of his being born to his parents were extremely low as his father was shipped off to war immediately after the wedding and was promptly killed by the enemy so the chances looked slim.  As luck and random chance would have it his mother was nevertheless pregnant and he arrived into the world completely uncertain as to what would transpire.

This is chancy enough but lately, with the news that scientists seemed again to have created neutrinos that travel slightly faster than the speed of light, he has again begun to feel quite fragile.

After all the probability of finding a neutrino that traveled that fast was next to zero just a little while ago.  Yet it seems to have been found.  Besides the implication that we have to rethink even what Einstein came up with, there is also the nagging little fact that something so improbable has actually occurred.

My friend once wrote to me a while ago that the fact that his identity was born into his body was completely by random chance.  There was something irksome about the statement and I wrote back to him that our selves are not interchangeable.   His identity is his and if it were born into a different body, it would be a different identity.  I noted that his fingers wouldn’t by chance suddenly appear on my hand.  And if they did they would be my fingers.

But now that he has gotten me thinking along these lines, I am also starting to feel concerned.   Since low probability events can occur, isn’t it possible (not very probable, just possible) that his fingers might indeed someday appear on my hand?  Would I or anyone else notice?

I have taken to checking in the mirror every morning to make sure my face is still mine and that my head is still on my shoulders.  Now I know the probability  is quite low that anyone else’s reflection would greet me but can I totally exclude that possibility?

I have this sudden fear of walking down the street and suddenly being aware of having different body parts and this might happen just because…

By that I mean that the universe can often seem perverse and it can unfold as if to mess you up on purpose.   If something is not very probable, that is precisely the thing that will occur.  On purpose.

So if you see me walking down the street avoiding cracks you’ll know I am trying to avoid giving the universe any excuse for perversity.

My mother used to spit three times to ward off evil but I think it was just a scientific device to prevent perverse low probability events from happening because if you don’t take precautionary measures…well we all know Murphy’s Law.

If you ever feel someone else’s head suddenly appearing on your shoulders, just make sure to turn around three times and spit in the four basic directions.   I do this and I haven’t changed heads, fingers or selves in years.

“So that’s twice this week.  And why speak to me as if you were from Newfoundland?”

“OK, laugh at my expense.  The accent is just to get your attention for something important and profound.”

“And what is that pray tell?”

“First, you sound too stuffy.  Second, I’ve been thinking about how everything in our world is made up of relationships that are mutual and reciprocal.”

“Huh?  I find you hard to follow when you use big words.”

“You know what I mean.  Yin and Yang.  Tit for tat – which is just a short form way of saying this for that.  You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.  I meant metaphorically so you can stop sticking your back into my chest.”

“I’m not that into back scratching anyway.  Give me another example.”

“You’re always trying to one up me.  I say, ‘Hi how are you?’  Then you say, ‘How’s it hangin’?’

“But then the next time you say, ‘What’s shakin’?’  So I have to ask ‘What’s goin’ down?’”

“Exactly.  That’s just us carrying on the reciprocity.”

“I totally get you.”

“Are you picking up what I’m laying down?”

“I’m completely smelling what you’re stepping in.”

“Oh now you’ve gone too far…”

“I’ve crossed the line?”

“You’ve left town and reached Tuscon!”

“I’m feeling your pain.”

“You’re so far away, it must be telempathy.”

“Ok but this isn’t so deep.”

“I’m working my way in.  What if we applied this way of thinking to everything?  What if we looked at everything from the point of view of reciprocity?  If it was a fundamental aspect of the universe?  You know they already have evidence that if you change the trait of one particle created in a collision, it’s counterpart traveling in the other direction and possibly light years away will instantaneously change in the same way.”

“So?”

“So I was watering the lawn the other day and I was thinking that the water and the lawn had a relationship.  I could just as easily think of myself of having water and deciding what to do with it so I lawned the water.”

“You lawned the water.  Did you also lawn the mower?”

“Actually, I did that first.  After I lawned the water, I car – ed  the water.”

“Does that mean you washed the car?”

“Exactly.”

“Brilliant.  You’ve invented a way of talking without verbs.”

“Ingenious eh?  I laundried the water today and then I clothes-ed the drier.”

“Uh huh.  And what are we doing right now?”

“Oh that’s a hard one – wait!  I have it!  Talk is us-ing or maybe I have to say we-ing.”

“Confusion is me-ing, I think.”

“Oh come off it!  This is revolutionary.  Someone will write a book about the moment I was lawning my water in the same way we discuss how the apple fell from the tree onto Newton’s head.”

“Are you sure it fell on his head?  Was his head appled or was it something else?”

“Besides Newton at the time, who cares what body part was involved?  Really!  It’s the principle that’s important!”

“Well I hope you can work out all the kinks.  For now, a walk and home is me-ing.  I have to lawn my water to nematode it.  I hope you travel in the opposite direction.”

“As we’re both leaving this little encounter at the same time I’d ask you not to change too many of your traits on the way.  I like the way I am now.”

“Don’t worry.  We didn’t start out the same anyway.  Happy nouning!  See you soon.”

“Dig you later.”

Once a city child learned how to read, their most intimate thoughts would be translated into written text and mixed with the other forms of representation of emotion. This was understood to be a way the Creator had indicated to humans his desire for them to live together in complete truth, where the good of the whole community came before the desire for individual privacy.  It became impossible for people to lie except if they were schizophrenic or psychopathic and could consciously manipulate their own moods.  The fear of such people was great and they were considered to be the enemies of humanity.  Many were locked away or treated with drugs, as dangers to society.

At some point, however, a few teenagers started to wear wore clothes that covered them from head to foot although it was frowned upon and they were considered to be rebels.   How could one tell what they were really thinking?  A significant minority started to imitate this style and many legal battles were fought over whether such practices should be permitted.  Unfortunately, lawyers representing this group did not themselves adopt the dress and it was easy to tell that they did not agree with their own clients.

In a further development, youngsters and adults who rejected their parents and authority totally would acquire drastic blank tattoos so that no images could appear.  Under constant suspicion of not telling the truth, they and their fully clothed counterparts were more often stopped by police and arrested.  Eventually, however, it was noted that individuals with blank tattoos often seemed more contented and spontaneous.  They became enormously successful entertainers and charismatic leaders.  One such youth developed a global following and preached a kind of unbridled individualism and absolute right to privacy, a movement that swept the planet and brushed aside other belief systems once the youth was killed by the authorities.

In fear, the government commissioned scientists who worked feverishly until they learned how to alter the human genome so that images did not appear.  A serum was prepared for everyone.

After a number of years, there grew up a kind of malaise that what had been gained had come at a great cost.  There was less social peace and it became harder to ensure that the norms could be passed on to the next generation.  One had no idea what one’s children were thinking or feeling.   Husbands and wives struggled to communicate with words but found it daunting to overcome the basic mistrust coming from the inability to be sure of how words were meant, what was their intent, what feelings and thoughts lay behind them.

A story arose that once humans had lived in a paradise of perfect obedience and mutual comprehension.  They fell from grace when they were tempted to eat the fruit from the tree of secrecy, a fruit with sweet flesh that held within it the hidden poison of privacy.

We today are of course descended from those whose genetic abilities had been altered.  So I have been told and would I lie to you?

To: Zeus
Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2011 7:18:39 PM
Subject: Headin’ South

We’re off to FL for a few days.  Visiting our son and going to a college football game, including our first ever tailgating party.
No hurricanes please.
LR

Dear Ms. Reid,

Zeus has received your prayer, dated September 7 and asked me to reply on his behalf.  As you know he is currently preoccupied with keeping the forces of chaos at bay.  I am pleased to inform you that he is fully committed to following a policy of peace with respect to the use of lightning and thunder during your visit but you might also wish to consider sacrificing a virgin of some kind.  Please note that we have also passed your request on to Poseidon, as hurricanes originate in his domain.

Thank you for drawing our attention to this crucial matter.

Sincerely,

Zeus’s deputy minister

cc.  Poseidon

Dear Ms. Reid,

I am in receipt of your request for no hurricanes during your visit to Florida and would be pleased to help you but, as you are aware, I require the assistance and support of other departments, specifically of Aeolus, master of the winds.  This requires much more coordination than Zeus, my brother, fully realized and so I have passed your request on to Aeolus to ensure that the maximum effort is extended on your behalf.  A young female virgin sacrifice would be helpful.  Do you know anyone named Andromache?

I am sure you appreciate the time and work all of this requires and hope you will be patient as you await the final result of our deliberations, which should be carried through before your visit begins.

Please accept, Ms. Reid, this expression of my respect,

Poseidon, god of the sea

cc. Zeus

Aeolus

Dr. Ms. Reid,

I have just received a missive from my one time father, Poseidon, god of the sea, passing on your request for no hurricanes.   With due respect, I must note that I have no authority to carry out such requests without proper consultation with all the forces of nature involved, including nymphs and other divine creatures.  To that end I am proposing that we form a joint task force with representatives of Zeus, Poseidon and the other creatures as well of my own department to ensure that your request is given prompt attention.  As this process is likely to take some time, I am not sure we will be able to provide you with a final answer before you leave but I am pleased to report that the result of our joint cooperation will be made clear to you before you arrive home from your journey.  A sacrifice of some burnt extra virgin olive oil from Greece will suffice.

I am sure you understand the complexities of managing winds everywhere in the world and assuring appropriate weather for everyone and you can be confident that we are indeed doing our very best.

Believing that the news we will provide you will be of the kind you want to hear, I remain a loyal servant to the gods and to you,

Your servant,

Aeolus

cc. Zeus

Poseidon

Various Nymphs and supernatural beings

The first thing I noticed was that he was indeed a regular figure, his head having all angles and sides equal, giving it the appearance of a cube.  And although that is by definition regular, I quickly realized it was not that usual.  His arms and legs were also radially symmetrical, giving him a very odd appearance, again quite regular.

“You were telling me what you did after university a little while ago.  What was it?” I inquired.

“I was in the regular forces,” he replied.

“Makes sense,” I thought.

As I looked down, I instantly noted his coffee.

“What size is that coffee?”  I ask.

“Regular,” he says.

“And how do you take your coffee?”  I pursue.

“Oh just regular,” he smiles.  “I’m just a …”

“Regular guy.”  I finish for him.

It comes to me then that when we were playing basketball together, he was one of the regulars and was very regular in his attendance at practice.  As a matter of fact he also came to class early, regularly.  As we leave Tim Horton’s the staff wave to him, all smiles and one says, “it’s nice to see you have become a regular here.”

I am now completely obsessed and suspicious.  I snoop into his life and find out from his wife that he has a regular job.  The rabbi tells me that he is a regular participant in Synagogue.

I start following him around in my car and discover that he keeps a regular schedule and is very regular in his habits.

As I stake him out waiting for him to come out of his office at the regular time, a policeman approaches me and knocks on the window.  When I roll it down, he asks me, “I hope there is nothing irregular going on?  You are parked in a no parking zone.”

I assure him it is a slight mistake and that I intended to move on.  As far as I can tell, there are no irregularities and no possibility of finding any.

But I am committed.  Surely there must be something.  I inquire after his bathroom habits and find that because he eats lots of fibre, he is quite regular.

I fall into a kind of depression, almost despair.  When he sees me standing on the corner across the street from Tim Horton’s he comes over to greet me with a big smile.

“Hey, life can’t be that bad.”

“Life is so predictable,” I say.  “How can you stand it?”

He looks shocked.  “But that is what makes it so pleasant!”

I stare back at him through haggard eyes, ringed in shadow.

“I don’t know how you do it.”  I mumble.

He shrugs slightly, grins and says brightly, “Oh I’m just a …”

“Regular guy,” I finish his sentence.  “Yeah I know.”

Then as if telling me a terrible secret, he bends closer and says, “the only irregular things I allow in my life are the occasional irregular verb.  But you have to use them to communicate in English.”

He says this with a slight frown but somehow to me it is reassuring.  I start to smile and he returns the gesture punching me in the arm.

He walks away and calls over his shoulder, “maybe we should see each other more regularly.”

I don’t answer but say to myself under my breath, “not a chance!”

It was well known in Chicago that Jake the Mosquito and his gang buzzed from bank heist to bank heist and acquired a fortune in cash before they were later captured by undercover cops in a sting operation.

Atlas, finding the strain on his back intolerable from carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, eventually retired and distributed the weight, unequally, to all of us.

Moses, for instance, carried on his back the responsibility for the Jewish people and its fate and the real reason he was unable to go into the promised land was that his guilt and regret were so heavy by the time he got to Moab, he could no longer lift his feet without direct heavenly assistance and it is rumoured that he was so spiritual by this time that without the weight of this world to hold him down, he would have floated away.

King Canute sat on the beach and gave an order to the tide not to come in, an order that succeeded only because he was a careful student of the periods of the moon, thus proving that in leadership, timing is everything.

The Roman writer Macrobius, wishing to instruct his son Eustacius, left for him, a collection of tales and moral lessons both large and tubular, yet with a slight spelling error, was accused of using microbial logic to blame the fall of Rome on an infection caused by Germans.

A learned philosopher convicted of murder, decided on the scheduled day of his execution to apply Zeno’s paradox by marching first half way to the scaffold, then half way again, and so on, with the hope of never reaching his goal, but was both surprised and disappointed when his feet proved too large to take infinitesimally small steps and he came close enough for the rope to reach around his neck.

About this nameless man the saying arose that, “he marched quickly toward his doom, taking very small steps.”

Although it is known that Samson got his strength from his hair, it has only lately been revealed that Delilah got her ability to charm and enthrall men through the length of her fingernails, a talent she acquired when she was dedicated to the goddess, and it was through her indifference and boredom, after absently trimming her nails in the balcony of the Philistine temple, that Samson regained enough hair and strength to bring down the whole edifice.

Ahab, King of Israel, after his final defeat by the Assyrians, accepted a mission from Yahweh to bring judgment on Nineveh and it’s great white walls and, changing his name to Jonah, set off on this errand, only to be swallowed by a whale on the way and to learn at the end that god is also merciful, a bitter pill for a defeated king, who sat under a shady palm and dozed in the heat of the day, dreaming he was a sea captain in search of a white whale to exact vengeance and it was only when he woke from a nightmare of death and defeat and saw the destroyed palm under which he had been sitting, that he understood the necessity of mercy to balance justice.

Some say Jesus and his disciples were followers of a Pharisaic path that considered that for Jews, God was the only legitimate monarch, one such group (the Zealots) using arms to achieve their goal and those around Jesus believing that god himself would bring about this result, so that this early division between Jews and Christians was ironically reversed because the Zealots were defeated and the lesson taken by the rabbis was to wait for the Messiah while the Christians waited long enough to see their religion  become the official form of worship in the Roman Empire and promptly set out to conquer the world.