On Aging

I am not exactly ancient by today’s standards but I have noticed things happening around me that seem to be pushing me into a new phase of life.  For instance I think my sense of humour is getting weaker over the years.  I used to be known for biting satire but now as I age, my humour is self-depreciating.  I know because I get paid less and less for each joke.
I am on a chat group of people who went to high school together.  We still spend long threads of e-mail talking about politics, music, cooking, gardening, religion, travel and, believe it or not, sex.  Okay, not sex exactly, but we use the word in sentences like, “remember sex?”
But things are not like they used to be.  Now I see more and more material on those who wish to stay in North America – we call them the incontinents – or who would rather just stay home and curl up with a good book.  Actually, the book doesn’t even have to be that good as long as it is being read by everybody else, like “Fifty Shades of Grey”, which some of us still think is a book about our hair.
Apparently this book has taken the world by storm.  About a Dominant-Submissive relationship between a man and a woman, it is the “Story of O” for a new generation, especially it seems, women.  This gave me the idea to write a sexually explicit novel for the over-65 crowd, which I might call, “Fifty Layers of Fat”. Hey, this is the new realism.
It is hard to get used to the modern world.  The people we phone to arrange for a repair to our telephone lines in Ottawa are in the Philippines and when things go awry as they did for us the past week, this is no help.  The people in the Philippines did not know where our repairman was when he was late and there was no local number to call.   The supervisor would be available to talk in a couple of hours when we would be out.  So here we were trying to make an appointment to complain to someone in Asia when we still did not know where the repairman was in Ottawa or whether he was coming.   This is called outsourcing bureaucracy.  Personally, I think we could find some nice people in Canada who could obfuscate as well as anybody.
I can’t get used to all the security checks either, although I wait patiently in line with everyone else.   Don’t make a joke about carrying a bomb in a suitcase or complain too loudly about how long the check is taking.   The other day I heard a man say, he hoped the line would move faster because he was so full of gas, he thought he was gonna blow.   Two seconds later he was tasered and lying on the floor but luckily this gave him the opportunity to break wind.
When it was my turn, I went through the machine that did the full body scan.  I stepped out of the machine and the young lady looked at me and said, “I am sorry sir, it was too short.”   I turned red and snapped, “nobody’s perfect.”  She in turn flushed and answered, “I meant you weren’t in the machine for enough time.”
Why just the other day I was trying to enter a building with my security pass and it didn’t seem to work.  The guard came over, took a look and said, “Strip down to the left, facing me.”  I couldn’t understand why everybody laughed when I took my clothes off.
I may be getting better, not older.  The world, however, is more mixed up than ever.

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